Maturity Is A Choice
Maturity is a choice. More discipline equals more freedom. That sounds like a paradox, I know. It is not a paradox. It is as real as real gets.
"I hugged my parents and then flew off to Detroit to head back oversees. It felt oddly good to be back to Afghanistan. The feeling is difficult to explain. In America, when I'd hung around with some friends in Dallas and got reacquainted with some of my buddies from high school, I had seen first-hand how most people my age lived. If a dude was 22 or 23 like me, he was usually finishing up college or hanging out trying to find an internship or an entry-level job. He might be living in his parents' basement, trying to scrape together enough money to move out. Or maybe he was partying hard on weekends, or maybe he was still in a frat. He was almost always short on money. Almost always wondering what to do with his future. Not that there's anything wrong with that, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do. But by contrast, at my age in the military, I led people in combat. I controlled firefights. I handled hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment. I made decisions that affected whether people would live or die. It felt real. On a personal level, I made decent money. I was married. I had a good credit score. I was thinking of buying a house soon. It felt good to be trusted with this much responsibility. I was proud of my drive and sense of accomplishment. I was already a man."
The above quote is from the book, "Tough As They Come" by Travis Mills, retired United States Army Staff Sergeant of the 82nd Airborne. Mills lost portions of both arms and legs from an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) while on active duty in Afghanistan. After an incredible fight and learning to live as a quadruple amputee, he continues to overcome life’s challenges, breaking physical barriers and defying odds. But perhaps most astonishing is his positive approach to life every single day, his sense of humor and his passion to serve others. His personal motto: “Never give up. Never quit.”
I see and interact with 19-22 year-olds every day, many of which are quite mature and living a life of discipline, with both passion and direction. But unfortunately, what Travis Mills observed about his old high school buddies is also true. Too many 19-22 year-old adults, out of high school and perhaps attending college, are still living like children.
I want to be sure I am careful here to not paint with a broad-stroked brush. This is not a cultural issue. It is not a generational issue. This same kind of thing also happened way back in "my day." This has nothing to do with "kids these days." It has everything to do with personal choices.
Your maturity... your level of discipline... is dependent not upon your environment, nor your upbringing, nor your parents, nor your teachers, nor your coaches, nor your peers, nor your church, nor your pastor, nor anything or anyone else except YOU.
Your level of discipline depends on YOU. Your level of maturity depends on YOU. Maturity is not something that just happens to you over time. It is based on choices. Why is it that you can meet and talk with a 15 or 16 year-old that seems incredibly mature for their age, yet turn around and speak to or watch the behavior of a 25 year-old that is nothing but embarrassing? Because maturity is not based on age. Rather, it is based on your own disciplined choices. Likewise, immaturity is a result of your own undisciplined choices.
The more disciplined a person is, the more mature they are, which results in being given more responsibility and more freedom to be whomever you want to be in this life. Isn't that what everyone desires? Yet, all too often we want the freedom without the responsibility, without the discipline, and while we are still lacking maturity.
This time of year is graduation season. Over the past few weeks I have attended graduation ceremonies and have seen many congratulatory social media posts to graduates with big smiles in photos with their caps and gowns. I call this the season of "be whatever you want to be" speeches. But let's be honest, you cannot be whatever you want to be. That's unrealistic and untrue. The real truth is, you will be whatever you WORK to be.
There are people in the world who have skills you do not have. They have talent you do not have. They have strength you do not have. The message that "you can be whatever you want to be if you want it badly enough" is a lie. We all have limitations. I do not have the right genetics to be an NBA player. I could have trained my whole life to be the best basketball player I could possibly be and I may have been able to become a fairly decent player, but one of the best in the world? No way. I simply do not have the DNA to be among the best NBA players in the world.
So, what does that mean? What does that reality mean for someone who really loves basketball and has dreams to play basketball, or any other sport? Does it mean they should give up? Quit? Is it not worth it if they cannot reach the highest possible level?
Of course not. It means that you work to be the best you can be. The strongest. The fastest. The smartest human being that YOU can possibly become. And it doesn't matter that you will not be better than others whenever you compare yourself to them. What matters is that you are in complete control of WHO YOU ARE BECOMING.
Who do you want to be? The choices you are making today are creating the real you. They are not merely paving the way to what you will one day become. They are making you WHO YOU ARE, every single day, right now.
We tend to always live in the future and think about "someday." But discipline is present-focused. It is right now. It is in this very moment. Life is a series of present moments. Too many of us are wasting this moment. Then we waste another moment. Then another. Then... before you know it, you look at yourself and wonder why you are not who you "wanted" to be back when you heard that speech that suggested you could be whatever you wanted to be.
The truth is, you are exactly what you choose to be, based on the work you do and based on the discipline you create. What is the common denominator here? YOU. Not your environment. Not your coaches. Not your family. Not your social status. Not your bank account. Not any other external factor. YOU are the main factor.
Of course, external factors, environments and experiences do play a role in shaping who you are. But those environments and experiences still begin with your choices. For example, surrounding yourself with people who are looking to constantly better themselves as opposed to people who are stuck in a life of perpetual adolescent folly will make a huge difference in the kinds of experiences you create for yourself, the amount of success you will achieve, and the level of maturity you will reach. This has nothing to do with age. It has to do with your choices.
The phrase, "discipline equals freedom," is from a recent book by Jocko Willink, retired Navy SEAL after serving 20 years, rising through the ranks to become the commander of Task Unit Bruiser, the most decorated Special Operations Unit of the Iraq War. Here is what Jocko has to say about discipline, maturity, responsibility, and the connection those things have to freedom:
"While discipline and freedom seem like they sit on opposite sides of the spectrum, they are actually very connected. Freedom is what everyone wants – to be able to act and live with freedom. But the only way to get to a place of freedom is through discipline. If you want financial freedom, you have to have financial discipline. If you want more free time, you have to follow a more disciplined time management system. You also have to have the discipline to say "No" to things that eat up your time with no payback – things like random YouTube videos, click-bait on the internet, and even events that you agree to attend when you know you won't want to be there. Discipline equals freedom applies to every aspect of life: if you want more freedom, get more discipline."
Whenever we think of discipline we too often, falsely, think of it as punishment or rules. Most people tend to view discipline as a negative thing. Actually, the word "discipline" in Latin is translated, "continuous on-going learning,” which is something a person chooses. That means it is not imposed upon you from outside forces, but it is something you choose for yourself.
Discipline is intentional and purposeful behavior that you know is going to develop you into a better person today than you were yesterday. Discipline does not exist in the environment or in your surroundings. It exists in YOU.
But here's the thing... discipline is not natural. That is a very important factor to understand. It does not come naturally. It is not something that you will WANT to do. It is something you have to LEARN to do. It is something you NEED to do. It is doing what needs to be done even though you do not feel like doing it. Often, discipline is simply this: acting different than you feel; behaving differently than you feel like behaving.
The message of this blog post is for everyone, though not everyone will read it (obviously). I suspect that if you are someone who reads my blog and have made it this far in the post, then this message resonates with you. You might even decide to share it with others in hopes that they will be inspired. Regardless of whether or not people read this or whether or not they even agree with the principle of it, the truth of it remains. If you want to transform your life in a positive way, that transformation will not happen by itself. You need to make it happen. You need to do the work. You need to put in the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, and the years. You need to get on a path of discipline and stay on that path, because it leads to the freedom you really want and the person you really want to be.