How You Say What You Say

Let me ask you a question. Which is more important: what you say, or how you say it? If you said both, I won't disagree. But I would like to take a moment to discuss the significance of HOW WE SAY what we say.

As coaches, parents, or anyone who is in any sort of leadership role, it is important to understand that there is so much more than we realize being communicated than just the words that are coming out of our mouths. Which means on the other end of your communication, those who are receiving your words – your coaching, your advice, your instructions – they may not be receiving it the way you are intending it to be received. In fact, in some cases they might be receiving something altogether different from what you are saying, causing your communication to have the opposite effect than your intentions.

Communication is the most important quality any person can possess, in my opinion. It is the number one way we connect with other people. It is the foundation and basis for all of our relationships. For example, a husband and wife can argue and have conflicts about all sorts of different things, but when you boil it all down the number one factor in the success or failure of marriage is communication.

Good communication. Poor communication. Lack of communication. The wide range of positive or negative outcomes for any relationship, organization or team hinges upon one thing... COMMUNICATION.

Communication is the strongest weapon any human being has available to them. Words, and how we say them, are incredibly powerful. With communication we are able to build and tear down.

The Bible has much to say about the tongue (our most common tool for communicating, thus a metaphor for communication in scripture). In the book of James chapter 3 it compares the tongue to bits that are put into the mouths of horses. It is also likened to the small rudders that steer large ships, and a small spark that is capable of starting a massive forest fire (*James 3:1-12, see complete text in footnote below). The point of this analogy is that our words and how we say our words are both vitally important.

But even that point is just part of the message being conveyed in James. The main point is in how he began the paragraph. He says, "Not many of you should become teachers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness."

Teachers, leaders, coaches, parents – anyone who leads another person – we have incredible influence. And that influence is driven by our communication. Therefore, everything about our communication is always under scrutiny.

WORDS

But it is not just about words. The words we choose are only half of the issue in communication. Many of us often think we have communicated effectively simply because we said the right words. Of course, the words we say are important. But think of it like this. Think of communication as a meal you are preparing for another person, or perhaps for an entire group of people, such as your team. The words you speak are the actual food items, which we tend to think are the most important things. They certainly are important. They are the "meat" of communication. If you do not say the right words, then communication is just like empty calories.

However, imagine what might happen if you served your food items to your guests in your dog's dish. Or perhaps you took your delicious steaks off the grill and for a serving tray you used the lid of a dirty trash can that had maggots crawling on the side of it. Let me ask you, would your guests receive your meal? Would they appreciate it at all? Of course not. In fact, they would certainly focus on and respond more to how it was delivered to them than the actual meal itself.

Since I have a passion for helping coaches, let's bring this to the field. Coaches, consider your delivery method whenever you communicate. There are the words you are saying and then there is the energy your words are riding on, which is more impactful than the actual words you are saying. It is never simply about what you are saying. We also have to be intentional about how we say it.

For example, saying encouraging things in a frustrated tone of voice only communicates your frustration. They don't hear your words, they hear your voice. They don't think about the advice you are giving, they feel the way you are saying it. And please understand, their response is always going to be based on HOW you say what you say. Therefore it is extremely important to not only recognize this fact, but be skilled and intentional about this principle of communication.

Communication is a 50/50 thing – content and delivery. But when it comes to leadership and coaching, communication tends to be even more about the delivery. This is the quality that separates the most effective coaches, the ones who are able to get the most out of their players. They don't just know the right words to say, but they also are able to say it in such a way that their players receive it, consume it and are energized by it. They not only have delicious steaks to offer them, they deliver those steaks on platters that are desirable to receive and easy to digest.

I once heard Lou Holtz tell a story about his own failure in communication and what made him pause to realize there was a lot more going on than he realized when he was interacting with his players. One year while he was the head football coach at Notre Dame, his recruiting coordinator developed a video to send to potential recruits. Holtz thought it did a great job of selling the program but wished it included some clips of him having positive interactions with his players. The recruiting coordinator said he had looked and looked but could not find any. This comment took Holtz completely by surprise because he prided himself on being a positive coach and sending positive messages. This experience helped Lou Holtz become more aware of his interactions with his players and ultimately become a more effective and positive communicator.

More often than we realize, we coaches are unaware of the messages we send nonverbally. The verbal message is carefully thought about. Namely, the actual words and what we want to say. But too many times we neglect to work on the skill of how we say what we say. Thus, the result is we think we have communicated with our team effectively and positively, but their response or performance does not reflect it at all. Then, we become even more frustrated and perhaps we remind them again of the important points we tried to communicate previously. Only this time it is with more fervor and more passion, displaying your displeasure. Now, the entire message you originally wanted them to hear is completely lost. It becomes a downward spiral of discouragement for all.

Ever feel that way? If so, you are not alone. Even guys like Lou Holtz, among the best coaches in the world, have experienced this. The key is to recognize it when you are doing it. Pause and think about both aspects of your communication. What you are saying is only half of what you are saying. HOW are you saying it? What would these words look like if they were being presented as a meal? Would they be welcomed?

I know what some of you are thinking right now, "But Chris, sometimes we have to say things that people don't want to hear. Regardless of our approach, our tone or whatever... if they don't like it but it is good for them, then it still needs to be said." I get that. To use the food analogy, it is like serving children a plateful of raw broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. Most kids will turn their noses up to that offering regardless of the presentation and delivery. But you know darn well it is good for them and needed to help them grow.

Still, does that mean you force-feed them with it? Or do you work even harder to discover ways to inspire them to want to receive what is good for them?

What we have to realize is, the problem is only half theirs. It is also half yours. We can't just say, "We've gone over this before!" "I have told you this a thousand times!" "How can I make this any clearer to you!?"

If they are not getting it, then we have to look inside ourselves and ask why not. Good leadership and effective communication go hand-in-hand, and being an effective communicator means taking ownership whenever your hearers or team members are not perceiving or responding positively to what you are saying to them. It means we are always adjusting our approach. It means we are always paying attention to notice when and how our individual team members respond in positive ways. We recognize that different methods of communication are often necessary for different people.

PERCEPTION

You have probably heard this phrase or something similar: "perception is reality." Basically, what a person perceives becomes their reality, whether or not that reality is actually true. This is how so often things get miscommunicated between the coach, player and parent. How often does a parent email or call a coach to complain about something that was said to their child? As the coach, you hear what the parent is telling you and think, "how on earth did they get that from what I said?!"

You see, it's not about "what" you said. It's about "how" you said what you said, which is what creates the perception of what you are saying on the hearer. Since their perception is their reality, it is then the child's perception that gets relayed back to the parent, not the actual words of what you said. For example, you might have said, "Run hard!" as a positive reminder, encouraging the player to run out everything as fast as he can. But the player could perceive it negatively and interpret it as, "He never thinks I run hard enough." Effective communicators give equal weight to the message content as well as the emotional impact on the receiver.

What a mess! Yes, leadership and communication can get messy. It is probably why the wise brother of Jesus once said, "Not many of you should become teachers..." or coaches... "because we get judged more harshly and strictly." And why? What is the basis of that judgment? Our communication.

Communication is critical. I believe the most important of all life skills is the skill of being able to communicate effectively. The coaches and leaders who are most successful and effective are those who give equal weight to the message content (WHAT you say) and the emotional impact on the receiver (HOW you say it). Both are equally important. Our goal and challenge should be to communicate messages that clearly convey our intended message AND are received in the desired way we intend them to be received.

If we get better at our communication, we will in-turn be better leaders, better coaches, better fathers and mothers, better husbands and wives, better friends.

Better communication equals better everything.

__________________

* James 3: 1-12 "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water."