Playing Time
Yes, we are going to talk about it.
If you have children who are involved in any sport and you have ever attended a pre-season parent meeting, you have undoubtedly heard these words or something similar from the coach: "When it comes to games and our team, there is ONE topic I will NOT discuss with you, and that is PLAYING TIME."
Everyone likes to talk about playing time, but coaches always seem to say it is the one conversation that will be "off limits." So, today, right here and right now, let's talk about playing time.
I am going to approach this topic in two ways. First, I will tell you why coaches are always quick to say "we are not going to discuss playing time." Then, I will offer some candid, honest, transparent words regarding how playing time is determined. We will go inside the mind of nearly every coach and take a look at what they are thinking when they determine which players play, when they play, and why they play. Also, I want to make it clear that am writing in context of competitive level sports from at least middle school and higher, not the instructional levels. At the younger, instructional levels there should be more opportunities for playing time given to all children. Though it is not realistic to expect "equal" playing time, at least at the younger instructional levels there can and should be fair and adequate live game opportunities for all kids.
Additionally, I would like to qualify my words on playing time by saying this. I have been in all three sets of shoes. I have been the player who didn't get to play as much as he wanted or thought he should. I have been the coach who had to make the decisions about who plays. And I have been the parent who sat in the bleachers, wondering why my child was not playing as much as I thought they should. So, although the majority of my post is going to be written from a coach point of view, I have first-hand experience and can sympathize with both the player and the parent point of view on this issue. I understand the feeling of disappointment. I understand the confusion about roles. I understand the anger and disagreement. I understand what it is like to have to have a conversation with your child about the tough topic of why he or she is not playing when you know they are hurting because of it.
So now, let's talk about it. Why do coaches so often say, "We are not going to discuss playing time?" First, this is a statement that is addressed to parents, not players. I am guessing all (or most) coaches are more than willing to have open and honest conversation with any of their players who come to them inquiring what they can work on and improve in order to be able to get more opportunities to contribute in games. The point is, this IS an appropriate conversation for coaches and players to have with each other. Any player who is confused or discouraged about their perceived role on the team should feel comfortable and welcome to approach the coach and ask for an honest conversation about it. In fact, this is a big step in the process of growing up, self-evaluating, being part of a team, embracing different roles and responsibilities, handling disagreement and disappointment, interacting with authority figures who are making decisions that impact you. These conversations SHOULD be happening between player and coach. I welcome them, and most every coach I know welcomes them.
But why do coaches express to parents that they will not discuss playing time with them? There could be many reasons for this, and I will try to address as many as I can think of, but probably the biggest underlying reason is because it is one conversation that has little to no probability of reaching a common agreement or solution. It is a conversation that more often becomes a debate or an argument, ending in hurt feelings and even greater pain or frustration. It is a conversation based solely on your opinion vs. the coach's opinion. It is natural to have some level of difficulty conversing with people whose opinions differ from yours when the subject is politics, religion, or social issues. But when you are having a conversation with someone whose opinion differs from yours and the subject you are debating is your own son or daughter, well that is going to be a nearly impossible conversation to navigate toward any positive outcome.
Coaches know this before it even happens. It is too often a no-win situation for everyone, which is why they are inclined to say something like, "the most appropriate way to handle questions about playing time is for the player to come to me and we will then talk about where they stand in relationship to the team." As much as you want to fight all of the battles for your children, this is one place where your child can have an opportunity to learn to grow and handle the discomfort and adversity on his or her own. It is truly one of the values of team sports, which helps prepare them at an early age for some of the disappointments and disagreements they will encounter later in life. The difficult conversation about playing time can be a positive experience for them in the bigger picture of life. Let them have it. Don't try to take this valuable moment away from them. Don't protect them from it. I know it's hard. I assure you, I have been there too, and I have felt the same emotions as you. But you CAN choose to step back and let them own this experience. I promise it will not kill them, and it will make them stronger having gone through the experience.
Another reason why this is a conversation that coaches refuse to have with parents is because of another, different conversation coaches refuse to have with parents (or at least they SHOULD refuse to have), and that is talking about other players on the team. It is very difficult to have a conversation about playing time with any parent without that conversation eventually leading to the mention of, evaluation of, or comparison to another player on the team. Why does this happen? It happens because in order for your child to get more playing time it means someone else's child is going to have to not get as much playing time as they have been getting. Inevitably, there is another player or two that has been playing more than you feel they should. You believe your child has superior skills, gives better effort, is more committed, or for any number of other reasons should be playing instead of someone else.
In order to state the reason for your opinion about your own child's playing time, it is nearly impossible to do so without stating your opinion about another person's child and their playing time. This treads dangerously close to gossip, and it is hands-down inappropriate for parents and coaches to gossip about other people's children. For this reason, most coaches avoid these conversations or make it clear that they will not welcome these conversations.
So, those are some of the primary reasons why playing time is not something coaches wish to discuss with parents. Now let's consider how playing time is determined. To begin, I would like to make something very clear. Coaches want to win. If we are talking about high school or college ball or competitive club ball, coaches are paid to win games. Obviously, the role of coaching is not only about winning games. We agree that coaches are paid for many more reasons than just to win games, such as being a positive role model and helping young boys and girls mature into young men and women through their participation in competitive sport. But the reality is, a coach can do all of that well but lose every game, and it is likely he or she will not last long. Conversely, a coach can be very poor at all of those other things but still win every game, and just by doing so they could keep their job for a long time. Administrators who hire coaches will tell you things like, "It's hard to argue with the win-loss record." We know it is true, and we have to admit it. A primary motivation in the hiring and firing of coaches is winning and losing.
Therefore, one of the first and primary motivations for every coach when making out a lineup is to answer this question: "What do I believe gives us the best chance to win?"
A key phrase to take note of in that question is the first four words: "What do I believe..." That is what playing time comes down to. The coach's opinion about what the best team is for that day against that opponent. If you were to survey 20 different coaches about the same group of players, you might get 10-15 different lineups, although I suspect that among coaches there would be a lot of similarities. However, if you were to survey 20 different parents about the same group of players, there is a good chance you would get 20 different lineups.
Why? Because every parent wants to give their own child a shot to play. Of course you do! You should! That's your kid. You love them. You want them to be happy. You want them to have opportunities.
This is one of the reasons why it is so difficult when you are the coach and your own children are on the team. This is the point where you must be able to separate being "mom" or "dad" from being "coach." That is not easy to do. Not everyone can do it, which is why not everyone should coach their own children. We can admit here that both extremes do occur; some parent coaches favor their own children too much, and some parent coaches overcompensate by being too hard on their own children and having higher expectations for them than they have for the other players. Coaching your kids is a difficult thing to navigate, and anyone who does it should be extended a measure of grace. Though it can be one of the greatest joys a parent and child may experience together, it can also be one of the greatest stresses in a parent-child relationship.
Getting back to the point, the number one determining factor for 99% of coaches in deciding who plays on any given day is what grouping of players the coach believes give the team the best chance to win. Of course, there could be other extenuating factors that come into play, such as injuries or disciplinary matters, but the underlying goal is to always put the most competitive team on the field or court that you believe you have against that opponent on that day.
To go a little deeper into the mind of a coach, sometimes decisions are based on matchups with particular opponents. Sometimes a specific player may have a tendency to compete well versus a particular opponent. This is usually discovered through scouting and/or past experiences.
Sometimes a player has a really good week of practice, and the coach has a hunch or a feeling that he or she is going to be a strong competitor that will help them in the upcoming game. So, coach gives him or her a shot.
A very small percentage of the time, there may be a coach who is just a poor judge of talent and lacks discernment and wisdom regarding who should play. I do recognize that sometimes such scenario occurs (though, not as much or as often as many tend to think it does).
Often, before the beginning of the season, coaches will provide some form of criteria to players and parents that describe how they will determine playing time. This is a good idea as long as it is adhered to and as long as the criteria explains that the decision is always up to the coach's discretion and opinion of who gives the team the best chance to compete at its highest potential.
I have always tried to provide such criteria to my teams. Here is a sample from the most recent Team Manual I used with my high school baseball team, which describes how our coaching staff communicated the process of determining playing time:
Playing time is not guaranteed to any player, regardless of grade level or how many years he has played baseball. Playing time is a privilege. It is not to be expected, but earned. Conversations about game management and why another player is playing over their son will not be entertained with parents.
If a high school player would like to better understand his role on the team, and what he can do to improve his skills in order to put himself in position to earn more playing time, then he is welcome and encouraged to approach the head coach with such questions.
All conversations with individual players will be in context of the TEAM priorities and goals. It is understandable for parents to want their child to be the star. But wishing any one player’s stardom to precede the team’s success is unacceptable.
We will develop the TEAM first, and we will do all we can to instill in every player a team-first mindset.
Without question, the highest priority for every coach, player and parent (yes, I include the parent here) should be the TEAM's success. When your child is part of a successful team that loves one another, serves one another and cares for one another like brothers and sisters, then that is one of the greatest experiences he or she can ever have. This is regardless of whatever role he or she has on the team.
What I am about to say is a disturbingly sad but true reality. Too often I have seen circumstances where the player is accepting of his or her role on the team, no matter how limited the playing time may be, they embrace other ways to be a valuable part of the team and they are enjoying being part of the team. However, when they go home they hear from mom or dad some level of disgruntlement about their playing time. The player may have embraced his or her role and understands that their time on the field is limited for now, but they also recognize there are greater benefits to being part of the team and there are other ways to be a valuable part of the team. Sure, just like anyone else, they would like to get to play more. So he or she keeps working hard, but all the while understanding and trusting the judgement of his or her coaching staff.
How awesome would it be if all moms and all dads could maintain this same perspective? Team experiences would be so much more rich and meaningful for their children. Team culture would be so much more positive and productive for everyone.
I don't have any actual data on this, but I would venture a guess that the number one killer of team culture is complaining. And, I would venture a guess that the number one and most common complaint among any team is playing time. These complaints do not need to come from inside the dugout to have a negative impact on team culture. They can come from the car ride home. They can come from the dinner table. They can come through texting, and even just through body language. As parents, you have a tremendous influence on your child's team culture. Please consider this as you are being tempted to vent your frustration through email, text, or a social media post.
I want to make a confession. Sometimes coaches are accused of having favorite players or showing favoritism. Let me be one of those who admit that I do have favorites. My favorite players, the ones who will always gain my attention, are those who:
Show up every day with a positive mindset
Give 100% effort all the time
Go above and beyond
Make no excuses, nor cast blame, nor complain
Take responsibility
Lift up others
Love and serve the team in every way possible
If you are the kind of player who makes those things your priorities, then you are going to make it very difficult for your coach to sit you out. Now, please understand that you may still do all of these things but if you are 0-for-25 you may still sit out. But when an opportunity comes around, I guarantee you will be considered because you are a great teammate. Coaches love great teammates, because great teammates are what produce great teams.
You see, that is the goal of team sports. That we would all learn how to be great teammates. Not that we would all be great players. The great value of team sports is being a great teammate. The key to being a great, successful, championship team is that the players embrace and love the value of being a great teammate.
Too little emphasis is placed on being a great teammate these days. All we ever see, hear or read about anymore is what this or that individual has done. Social media is flooded with accomplishments of individuals. Though the team may have won, whenever an individual child doesn't perform well or doesn't get as much playing time as desired, there is nothing posted on social media feeds.
I will say this as clearly as I can and conclude this post with these words. The greatest value of your child's team experience is not playing time or how much playing time he or she gets. I know it feels like a big deal right now and it is a major concern whenever you are in the moment. But five years later it will not be a major concern. It won't even be a big deal a few months later. Indeed, you may find that the adversity and brief trial that was experienced actually produced a very rich steadfastness that ultimately makes your child strong and mature (the Bible teaches this principle regarding life's hardships in the book of James chapter 1:2-4).
Thanks for reading. I know this is challenging and can easily become a touchy subject. I pray it has been helpful.